Midnight
Maneuvers
by Kat and Kadi
Rated NC-17
Disclaimer: I'm no longer acknowledging *those* people exist, not
until they stop screwing up my favorite show, so there! :P~
The feeling that she wasn't alone was the first thing she noticed
as she opened her eyes. The second was the harsh sound of
breathing. For a moment fear paralyzed her. Who could
possibly be in her quarters? Who would dare? Even as she
started to rise, to call for security, a solid body covered her
own, pushing her back into the bedcovers, covering her mouth with
a warm hand, stilling her response. She was Starfleet
trained, surely she could buck him off. Him, yes definitely
a him. She could smell it, the tangy sent of soap and
male. That was obvious, and familiar too. Her eyes
could make out nothing but a shape in the darkness but already
she was relaxing a bit, planning her next move, less afraid and
more angry. Fear began as a sickening tendril slithering up
her spine as another aspect of the man came to her notice.
It was enough to block her thought and steal her breath as she
felt his arousal pressing against her. His intent suddenly
seemed clear and the urge to struggle without any set pattern or
logic struck. It was an unreasonable fear, overwhelming and
frustrating at the same time. An old fear, one as old as
time that says I am woman and weak and there is nothing I can do
here to change this, stop this. He seemed to read her
intent and shifted, trapping her in the bedclothes. Even in
his determined movements, gentle. The thought so out of
place in the situation raced through her head and once more she
relaxed, allowing thought to reign. He was not truly bent
on hurting her or he would have done so. But who, and why?
Warm moist lips brushed over her cheek. The voice was
whispered, shadowy. "To prove a point my love."
Her eyes widened and still she could not see him, but he had read
her thoughts, and in answering them, given her a clue as to who
was holding her. The hand slipped from her mouth and trailed down
her cheek. A breath barely left her mouth before it was
covered once more, this time by lips intent on a gentle
exploration of her mouth. Stunned she opened her mouth to
speak and found it filled with his tongue, hot and fluid, teasing
her own. Her voice could not speak it, but her mind
could. Chakotay, but why? Her eyes snapped open as
the reality of the situation crashed down on her. Her mouth
closed, teeth sinking into his tongue. He jerked back with
a curse. His voice was husky but recognizable.
"Computer, lights 1/4 illumination." He sat back
slowly, giving her a rueful grin.
His thighs were warm around her own, burning through the
blankets, and yet the anger flooding her was burning it all
away. She barely noticed that his hands had moved and were
resting on his upper thighs. "What the hell do you
think you are doing?"
"I was proving a point?"
"To whom?" This was said with less heat and more
confusion.
"To you and to me."
"And that was?"
"That no matter how damn much my body and mind demand that I
can come in here and take what I so desperately want, I
can't. And it's not from fear of reprisal. I love you
too much to steal that from you, but it was time to remind us
both that these feelings are still here."
"Why? What could possibly make you believe I would
welcome this, and this fear?"
"Nothing. For the first few moments it was some
strange sort of instinct. My original idea was to slip into bed
next to you and wake you with a kiss, to see if you responded
with anything other than that damn cool control of yours.
The clincher in that plan came when you woke as I came in.
Then I just acted. I think you knew it was me even before I
spoke. Your body, your responses told me in different
ways. Oh I'm not saying it was right Kathryn, but I have to
say any emotion from you is better than what you've been showing
lately."
"You're damned right this is wrong, who the hell do you
think you are?" The venom in her voice spoke more of
embarrassment than anger, "Give me one good reason why I
shouldn't call security and have your ass hauled into the
brig." She bucked against him until finally he moved and she
was able to get free of the blankets and sit up in the bed. She
was angry all right, and embarrassed, and hurt.. Who was he to
criticize her emotions? "I don't give a rat's ass what
you think of me, but it sure as hell isn't your place to come in
here and try and change it, or whatever the hell you thought you
were doing."
Chakotay's eyes darkened, and narrowed, "I wouldn't try to
change you Kathryn, because the fact of the matter is, you can't
teach an old dog new tricks." He immediately saw the effect
his words had on her, and regretted them. The last thing he
wanted to do was cause her more pain, but anything was better
than the zombie she'd become. "And even if I could, there's
no way I could make you feel anything but your own self pity.
You're too damned busy feeling sorry for yourself to feel
anything else, least of all a little emotion for anyone else, or
a little arousal. Tell me Kathryn," he spat at her, growing
angry when her eyes narrowed into thin slits, "When was the
last time you were aroused by anything? By a novel, by a man, by
your own hands? Have you ever been aroused at all, or are you as
still as a stick during sex..." His eyes swept over her and
the plain beige pajama set she wore. It was silk, but that was
about the only thing feminine about it. "You know, I'd bet
you wouldn't know an orgasm from a muscle cramp."
"You are such an ass. Whether I would or not is none
of your concern as you would be the last person I'd tell much
less share it with."
"You almost sound interested Kathryn."
Her hands clenched into fists. "That would mean that I
felt something for you other then contempt, and at the moment
that would be really pushing it." Her eyes flashed with
challenge and something else.
A slow, calculating smile slid across Chakotay's face.
"That sounds like a challenge Love, shall I prove to you how
wrong you are?"
Temper flaring, she didn't notice the warning signs.
"Oh please, you couldn't prove you are a man, much
less..." The words never made it out of her mouth as
his arms came around her once more and he bore her back down onto
the bed.
She struggled against him immediately, "What the hell do you
think--damnit, get off me!" She bucked against him, even as
his hands began roaming down her body, "Chakotay that was
not an invitation, get off me now and I won't throw you in the
brig."
He bent low over her, his lips brushing against her cheek as he
whispered, "Then say it like you really mean it Kathryn, and
I just might do it." He trailed a path of light kisses down
her cheek and neck, his hands had worked the hem of her pajama
top up and were caressing her bare skin. He noticed immediately
the change in her breathing, and the fact she was no longer
struggling beneath him. "Do you still want me to
leave?" he whispered against her mouth. "All you have
to do is make me believe it..." His hands swept beneath the
waist band of her simple pajama bottoms, pushing them down her
hips to allow him easier access to her body. He easily caught her
gasp as his hands spread across her lower belly, working in an
upward climb toward her silk clad chest. He brushed a light kiss
across her now trembling lips, "What is it Kathryn, cat got
your tongue?" Her eyes narrowed and flared with emotion, she
started to open her mouth but he stopped her before she could.
His tongue swept easily into her mouth, exploring and tasting,
and drawing a moan, however light, from within her throat.
Her hands balled into fists, tightly clasping the bedding beneath
them as he worked each button free of it's hole and slid the silk
top from her shoulders. She couldn't move, and she couldn't speak
as his hands swept over her breasts, his thumbs lightly teasing
her nipples into hardened buds. Each caress of his hands, each
kiss, each movement of his body over hers angered her more, but
she was frozen in place, too swept up in proving him wrong to
make him leave. And wanting him too much to really care what or
who was wrong or right. "Chakotay we can't," was her
last protest, and more a whimper than anything else as his lips
closed over a breast. She sucked in a thin breath as he held the
pebbled bud in his teeth and teased it with his tongue. She could
feel the ache building inside herself, and cursed him even more
for it.
He blew a stream of cool air on the moist peak as he lifted his
head. "I don't know about you love, but I certainly
can, and very much want to." He lowered his head once
more trailing a blazing path between her breasts and along her
rib cage, moving further down her body. Her hands came up
to curl in his hair as the breath rasped out of her throat.
He gently curled his hands around hers and transferred them to
one hand, holding them gently but firmly over her stomach.
He kissed each hand and each individual finger lapping at them
and smiling as stray strokes of his tongue washed over her
belly. With each silken caress she sucked in a breath,
holding it until the next which she would let out in a
rush. He smiled at the ragged sound of her breathing and
resumed his taste of her stomach, pausing to flick his tongue
playfully in her navel. Her entire body froze as his lips
traced the elastic edge of her pajama bottoms. Slowly,
teasingly he nudged them down further, pausing only to nuzzle the
soft curls at the juncture of her thighs.
Impatient, he used his free hand to draw them further down and
off, stopping to gaze down at her. The gleam of moisture
beaconed him and he couldn't resist a light kiss, his tongue
barely dipping between her folds. Her back arched off the
bed sharply, nearly dislodging him. He grinned against her,
sliding his fingers shallowly through her damp heat, one finger
prodding deeper than the others, testing. He tipped his
head, kissing the soft flesh of her inner thigh, ignoring for the
moment the area she was most focused on. "Do you know what I
think Kathryn? You're hot, and wet and ready. I think
you definitely can." A sharp gasp was drawn out of her
as he sucked a bit of the tender flesh on her thigh into his
mouth, releasing seconds later, leaving his brand on her.
His tongue flicked over the tender spot, soothing before homing
in on more sensitive territory. Once more he tasted her,
this one longer, teasing her, flicking over the hypersensitive
bud, before dipping inside her for a deeper taste. He
grinned against her once more "Oh yes, you definitely
can." His words were punctuated be the gentle raking
of his teeth over that most sensitive core, forcing her back off
the bed once more and a keening moan from her lips.
Chakotay himself moaned as she lifted her hips, rotating them
against his busy mouth. He tasted her fully, exploring every
centimeter of her hot center before finally rising and settling
himself next to her. He gazed longingly at her face as his
fingers replaced his mouth. Her eyes were closed, and her lips
parted, and there was such a look of surrender in her features he
could have almost believed she would still want him in the
morning. But it was his caresses she wanted, the sliding of his
fingers over her sensitive skin. He indulged her, unable to do
anything else, and slid two fingers into her heat. She arched
against his hand, her lips parting more as she sucked another
breath into her mouth and let it out in a sharp cry.
He lowered his head to her neck when she bit down on her lower
lip, he had to block out the sight, but didn't want to close his
eyes. His lips moved across her neck, lightly caressing the soft
skin. Below his fingers teased her, bringing her closer and
closer to release, then withdrawing slightly. He had her
trembling beneath his administrations, straining toward release,
and still he teased her. He wanted her, needed her to admit she
wanted him, he wanted it from her lips, not just from her body's
responses. But, he realized, that wouldn't be forthcoming anytime
soon. "Alright my love, you win this round," he
murmured as his fingers slid further into her heat. He closed his
eyes tightly as she began contracting around them, but as he was
able to block out the sight, he couldn't block out the sounds.
She screamed loudly as she came, her back arching off the bed,
and every inch of her trembling as wave after wave of pleasure
swept through her.
He continued to stroke her in slow calming strokes as she came
down. His body was hard and aching but he wouldn't give in,
couldn't. He finally released her, rising to his knees once
more to stare down at her body. A ferocious wave of desire
swamped him and he gritted his teeth to pull it under
control. He couldn't help the smug grin that chased across
his face as her eyes opened, cloudy and full of dazed
passion. "Guess you do know an orgasm after all."
The comment was like a splash of cold water to Kathryn. Her
eyes snapped open and she had a mental image of herself sprawled
before him , shameless. Anger snapped through her and she came up
off the bed, fist clenched and ready to strike.
"Bastard!" He caught both her hands but her
momentum was enough to send him tumbling backward. His
breath caught in his throat as she sprawled over him, spitting
and seething in her fury. As her lower body made contact
with his once more, a groan was wrenched from him. His good
intentions went flying out the door. He jerked her toward
him with more force than necessary and as her chest collided with
his, his hands released hers, curling around her body and meshing
her to him, much as his mouth was meshing with hers. His
tongue fought a fierce duel, coaxing and overriding her
hesitation. He nearly crowed as all her anger reformed back
into passion, all directed at him, shown clearly in the fierce
responses of her mouth, and the frantic movements of her body.
She jerked his shirt open and sent buttons flying, her nails were
like ice picks sinking into his flesh and scorching it. They
swept down his chest, flying over his nipples and sinking into
the waist band of his trousers and jerking at the fastening. Her
teeth nipped angrily at his jaw and neck as she moved down his
body, punishing him every bit as much as pleasuring him. She
popped the button on his pants and jerked the zipper down with as
much grace as she could muster, reclaiming his mouth even as she
yanked his pants down his hips.
Her fingers curled none so gently around his hardened length as
she bit harshly at his lips, pulling them open so she could
thrust her tongue into his mouth. Chakotay responded in kind and
rolled her beneath him, his hands jerked her arms over her head
and held them in place with one, while the other swept downward
to finish pushing his trousers out of the way. With that finished
he pulled her legs apart, thrusting into her as she lifted
herself to meet him.
They cried
out in unison, one a sharp cry, the other a deep groan. His free
hand joined his other and intertwined their fingers as he pumped
into her. His movements were swift and deep, and not the gentle
lovemaking he'd had in mind when he let himself into her
quarters. He practically had her pinned to the bed as he pounded
in and out of her, not at all what he'd had in mind, but that was
a little futile at the moment.
Kathryn was arching and grinding against him, her teeth sank into
his shoulder drawing a deep growl from him. She lifted her legs
and wrapped them around his waist, allowing him to sink deeper
into her with each hard thrust. She growled as the tempo
increased, her movements becoming jerky as she tried to keep
up. It was no use. The sensations swamped her with
the force of a hurricane and she screamed as her release coursed
through her. Each pulse of pleasure resounded with a fierce
thrust from him until he too joined her in an explosive
release. He collapsed against her, his lips caressing her
brow in a litany of her name and words of love.
Kathryn's thoughts were so foggy, so dazed. Never could she
remember a time when making love had been so explosive and yet so
real. As her heart slowed and the weight of him against her
began to grow heavier, reality intruded. She sighed as he
shifted, cuddling her close and settling in. Once more her
anger rose to the fore. She had been well and truly
satisfied and if she were even the slightest bit honest with
herself she would admit that she encouraged him, but that wasn't
the point. He had manipulated in one of the worst possible
ways by using sex and her affection for him against her. What was
that old saying, ah yes, pay-backs were a bitch and she was the
queen after all. She wiggled free of him, leaning in and
placing her hands on his chest. She smiled slightly,
leaning in and biting down on his nipple. As he yelped in
pain she pulled back. Suddenly she pushed with all her
force, sending him rolling to the floor. He stood shocked
even as she stood and pushed him once more toward the door.
"You're a great lay Chakotay, but you are a low
bastard. Don't even think about it again. Computer
emergency transport, lock on Commander Chakotay and beam him back
to his quarters. Erase log, Janeway pi seven." She
grinned as the transporter beam enveloped him, marveling at the
confused look on his face. A few seconds later, he was
staring at the door in his quarters, wondering what the hell had
just happened.
His first
impulse was to march back over and demand to know what she was
thinking, but even as he stood there with his fists clenched in
anger he realized that was exactly what she'd be expecting. So
instead, he forced himself to relax and moved into his bedroom,
there he climbed into bed, his mind already plotting his next
move.
The following morning on the bridge was like every other morning
they'd had, he acknowledged her as usual, completely ignoring her
frosty attitude and pretending the night before had never
occurred. It was quite amusing, the way her eyes flashed the blue
fire of anger each time he addressed her, nothing in his tone
betraying the previous nights acts. But it only lasted a short
while, she eventually caught on to his charade and relaxed into
the game. Soon, no one had any idea the command team was again at
odds with each other. And so the day, and each that followed
went, Kathryn and Chakotay ignoring the events of their nights
together, pretending to be just as they were, while at night he
continued to let himself into her cabin and into her bed. Each
night he would wake her with his caresses, stroking her to a
release, and occasionally they'd have sex. He couldn't call it
making love, because in his eyes there was nothing loving about
what they were doing to each other.
Their game
went on for more than a week, and Chakotay was beginning to grow
tired. He was no closer to winning his prize, and had decided to
double his efforts. He let himself into her cabin a little
earlier than usual, knowing she would likely be taking a bath, or
just getting ready for bed. What he found, though, as he moved
quietly through her quarters was the shower running, and he soft
hum of her voice. A smile spread across his face at that
delightful little detail, not one he would have expected to
learn. As quietly as possible, he reached forward and slid the
door to the shower open, his smile widening as he noted the water
flowing over her body. Her back was to him, and the sound of the
shower and her humming had hid his approach. This gave him a
moment to gaze at her, his eyes roaming over her shoulders,
following the path of water as it flowed down her back and over
her the curve of her hips. He continued to watch it as it trailed
down her shapely thighs, flowing over her calves and past her
ankles to finally swirl on the floor of the shower as it was
pulled into the drain. A low groan built in his throat as his
eyes slid back up her body, but he held it back and quickly
undressed to join her.
She stiffened momentarily when his hands rested against her
waist, gently nudging her against the tiled wall of the shower.
Her head rested against the cool surface as his arms slid around
her, one hand moving upward to cup her breast while the other
slid between her legs. She let out a small gasp and braced
herself against the wall, her palms flat against the surface, as
his fingers slid into her warmth. It was a brief caress, a
teasing touch that was quickly withdrawn, instead his hand
massaged the soft skin of her inner thigh, while his lips trailed
gently along her shoulder and neck. His tongue lapped at the
water that flowed across her shoulders, while his other hand
gently caressed her breast. He pulled the pebbled nipple between
his fingers and rolled it, lightly pinching it. He was rewarded
with her light moans and little gasps, and the slight movement of
her body toward his. She leaned her upper body toward the tiled
shower all and rotated her lower toward him, a plea for the ache
that was building within her.
Chakotay
smiled against her shoulder and slid his hand once more between
her legs, this time as he dipped his fingers into her warmth he
found her damp and ready for him. His fingers slid slowly over
her sensitive skin, barely dipping further into her heat then
withdrawing. She moved against his hand, her movements becoming
increasingly impatient. The tempo of his caresses increased, he
slid two of his fingers deeply into her heat while his thumb
continued to tease her sensitive bud. Kathryn's cries grew more
shrill as the ache climbed in intensity, and he held her closer
to his body while he stroked her into release.
His movements relaxed as the contractions around his fingers
began to slow and dissipate. He withdrew them from her body and
gently stroked her down from the sensual high, then stepped away
from her. A smug smile spread across his face as she turned
toward him, her eyes dark with desire. She took one step toward
him and rested her hands against his shoulders, then
pushing gently, pressed him against the opposite wall. She slowly
lowered herself to her knees in front of him, her mouth lapping
at the water that flowed in rivulets down his chest.
When she was on her knees she gazed up at him, a wicked gleam in
her eyes that promised tortuous delights. Her hands slid slowly
up his legs, caressing the muscles of his thighs, then sliding
around his body to cup his bottom. She drew him toward her,
leaning in as she did so. Her lips fluttered across his aroused
length, trailing light kisses down it's length, lingering at its
base, then moving back to the tip. Her tongue darted out to trace
a path along its veined surface, drawing a circle around the tip.
She smiled slightly when he shuddered, and gazed up at him as she
took him into her mouth. She took him in deeply, her tongue
teasing the base of his arousal briefly before she began to draw
back, her teeth grazing against him as she withdrew him. She
repeated the caress a few times before finally drawing him back
into her mouth and beginning to lightly suckle at him, lapping up
the water that flowed over him from the shower head above.
Chakotay leaned back against the shower wall, bracing himself as
she tortured him below. He could feel himself tightening, growing
closer to release, and tried to reach for her, but she evaded his
hands and continued her administrations. And then, when he was
sure he was finished, she pulled away, and slid slowly up his
body, wiggling only slightly against the aching flesh she'd just
abandoned. She tipped her head up and whispered lightly against
his lips, "You will never own me Chakotay..." Then she
brushed a kiss across his mouth and pulled away, slipping quietly
out of the shower.
He watched
her, slightly dazed as she dried herself, then dressed right in
front of him. She afforded him one last glance from the bathroom
door, it was one of amusement and triumph. Chakotay growled,
finished it himself, then ordered the computer to transport him
back to his cabin. Kathryn may have won this round, but she had
not won the game....not yet anyway.
Chakotay lay on his bed, certain he could hear her moving on the
other side of the wall. He still couldn't deny that
slipping into her bed had been the wrong approach, after all she
was more alive and vibrant than she been in years, but the scheme
wasn't working as he had hoped. He had hoped once he had
gotten her to acknowledge her feelings for him, to recognize she
was human, then she would accept all he had to offer. Maybe
the key to all of this was to make her think he was no longer
interested. Then, maybe she would come to him.
But after three days and nights of pretending there was nothing
between them but a barely existing friendship, he was no closer
to having her than he had been before. She simply didn't
acknowledge anything that had happened anymore than he did, and
it was frustrating as hell. Kathryn continued to go on as she had
before, and not only was it frustrating, it was infuriating.
So on the fourth night Chakotay let himself back into her cabin,
and moving quietly, made his way into her bedroom. Kathryn lay
sleeping on her stomach, and it looked as though she'd been
tossing and turning, as the blankets had been either kicked or
thrown off the bed. The light colored night gown she wore was
made of satin, with spaghetti straps to hold it in place. He felt
a tightening begin in his groin as he moved closer to her, and
slowly sank onto the side of the bed. He hovered over her, his
lips barely brushing the bare expanse of shoulder.
She sighed into him, her body relaxing even more. He held
his breath as his whispered name escaped her lips. Even in
sleep she dreamed of him. This brought a smile to his face
and a renewal of purpose. Slowly he straddled her, resting
his weight on his legs and nothing on her. His mouth
descended once more, this time to worship her shoulders and the
back of her neck. She sighed again as his lips descended on
a spot just behind her ear. He shifted again, starting at
her bare feet and nibbling lightly on her toes, slowly marking a
trail up her body. He could smell her response, feel it in
every subtle move, hear it in her sighs. This was heaven
and how it should always be between them.
Kathryn floated on a sensual dream, hazy and erotic. In her
dream Chakotay was mapping her body with his hands and
tongue. She could feel his teeth and tongue nibbling on the
backs on her thighs, warm fingers teasing her sensitive folds,
dipping and stroking, coaxing a response. She shifted,
raising her knee to allow him better access and he took
advantage, sliding up her body, his weight hot and firm against
her back. His fingers plunged deep stroking first hard and
fast then sliding out of her to barely tease again. She was
limited in her movement and tried to turn so that he couldhave
better access, but she couldn't. Her frustration and the
futility of her movements finally woke her. Her breath
caught in a sharp gasp as she realized how real the dream really
was. Chakotay lay behind her, the bulge of his arousal
pressing into her hip, and his warm hand between her thighs,
teasing, teasing. Her muscles clenched at the sudden wave
of arousal and she bucked back against him. The contrast of
his trousers against her naked thighs inflamed her even more, and
again she bucked against him.
"Ah, so sleeping beauty is awake is she? And what do
you want my Kathryn?"
A low groan echoed from her throat. Part of her was angry
that he had once more taken advantage of her. To wake her
by making love was one of her most erotic fantasies, completely
unexpected and leaving her defenses crashed to the floor.
The other, gods the other wanted him to continue this delicious
torture to its final completion. She groaned again as he
added another finger inside her, all the while teasing her
clitoris with stray flicks of his fingers.
He shifted suddenly, removing his fingers, kneeling behind her
and lifting her bottom up. He leaned forward and bit one
white cheek before soothing it with his tongue. Just as she
raised her upper body in response, he plunged into her. An
animalistic scream tore from her throat at the overwhelming shock
of sensation. He hadn't bothered to strip and the rough
texture of his trousers brushed against the back of her thighs
with each stroke. There was something oddly arousing by the
fact that he wanted her so badly he couldn't bother to
undress. He alternated the pace from slow and teasing to
fast and wild. Each time she nearly peaked, he would push
flush against her and stop, then nibble on the small of her back,
one hand keeping her flush against him, limiting her movements,
the other teasing her breasts, our pull out of her completely,
using his hands, stroking over her body, but not the part that
cried for him. At some point during their game he had
manuevered free of his pants and the feel of him, all male and
strength aroused her even more.
After the third such move Kathryn growled her frustration, nearly
swearing in her need. His hands clenched on her hips,
holding her still even as she tried to thrash away from
him. "Finish it!" At his chuckle, she
reared back against him, still joined, chest to chest, hip to
hip, and her fingers digging into his thighs. "Damn
you!" When he only chuckled again, she moved her hands
forward and down between her own thighs to stroke the needy flesh
there. Chakotay blinked at her movement, surprised by the
action but not the desperation. Her head flew back in her
pleasure, smacking against his shoulder.
His hands slid around to hers, catching them and pulling them
away despite her scream of frustration. He chuckled again
as he bit her shoulder and forced her back into her bent
position. She bucked against him, driving him deeper and he
groaned. One hand snaked around her waist, his weight
keeping her in place as his fingers took over the task hers had
started. His thrusts became faster, nearly rocking her into
the linens, his fingers working away at her until she exploded
around him, bringing him with her and milking him dry.
Shudders rocked both their bodies as he collapsed against her,
carrying her to the side, until the were curled spoon fashion
against each other. He held her tightly against him, still
a part of her with his hand cupping her between her thighs,
keeping that part of her body flush to his. The other hand
had shifted, under her and around her rib cage, allowing nothing,
not even air between them. He kissed her neck, licking
lightly at the sweat there. "This is how we are meant
to be Kathryn. Together, us. I love you."
She shifted in his arms, jerking away from him. "Get
out," her face was buried in the pillow beneath her,
muffling her voice. She took full advantage of his shock at her
words and wiggled out of his embrace, then pulled herself to the
edge of the bed, there she curled into a ball on her side, and
hugged the pillow to her chest.
When the shocked haze faded Chakotay frowned, "Damn you
Kathryn, don't you understand anything? Or are you really that
cold."
She whirled
on him, here eyes blazing with anger and hurt, tears streaming
down her face, "No Chakotay, damn you! Who are you to sneak
in here night after night and take advantage of me, who are you
to push me into sexual relationship? You're the one who doesn't
understand a simple set of words. Get out Chakotay, as in leave,
go away, get out of my quarters, and do not come back." She
swiped at the tears on her face, only growing more angry at their
existence, and the fact that he was seeing them. "I don't
want you sneaking back in here, I don't want you touching me, and
I don't want you proclaiming your feelings for me. Because we
both know if they were real you would never have taken advantage
of me. You got what you wanted Chakotay, I want you, I can't
resist you, you're a damned good fuck, now leave." With that
she got out of the bed and jerked on her robe, "You've got
five seconds then I'm calling security, I might not have done it
before for risk of embarrassment, but this has gone too
far."
His eyes narrowed for a moment. Then he laughed, a harsh
laugh. "You are so full of it Kathryn." He
stalked toward her, his hands grasping her arms, even as she
tried to pull away. "You know what I think? I
think you're so damn scared that you're grasping at straws.
You like being in control and I take that away from you
here. I give you the perfect excuse to act on everything
you feel, then blame it back on me, and you do it so damn well
too. You're afraid of opening up and allowing yourself to
feel because its just too damn hard to hide behind that shell if
you remember that you're a woman. Do you honestly think if
it were just a matter of me taking advantage of you, of it just
being an itch that needs to be scratched, that you couldn't and
wouldn't push me away?"
She pushed him away from her, "Right now I really don't give
a damn what you think, and all I know is that you don't give a
damn about me otherwise you wouldn't be in here right now pushing
me into something I'm not ready for. We had an agreement
Chakotay, an unspoken trust, and you betrayed that trust by
coming in here the way you did."
"A
betrayal? That's what you call this?"
She swirled away from him, waving a hand in his general
direction. "What you did was betrayal. This, is
just sex."
He moved swiftly and caught her hand, spinning her back to face
him. His hand curled over hers and forced her to touch his naked
sex. "This is sex and it's not what our relationship
is built on. We have friendship and years of love and
camaraderie between us. Yes, maybe I started this by
slipping into your room and pushing my point, but you were the
one to finalize things. All you had to do was tell me no one time
and I would have walked away. Why didn't you Kathryn?"
Her face
blushed and her eyes darted away from his. "Because...
because..."
"Because despite every fear going through you at the time,
you wanted me. You still want me and you want this. I know
you Kathryn. You're pissed because I'm pushing harder than
I've ever pushed before and it scares the hell out of you.
You hate being pushed, you try to push harder, but damn it you
are worth the risk. Our future together is worth the
risk. Face it love, you have a strong will, and all the
excuses in the world you use to hide the truth won't
matter. The truth will be out and frankly, no one pushes
you into doing something you don't really want to do.
You'll find a way out, or something you can live with, even if
you can't compromise. So don't lie to me and don't lie to
us. I may have pushed, but you were ready or we wouldn't be
here."
"Ready? You call this ready?" She jerked her hand away
from him, "Chakotay we agreed that when I was ready I would
come to you, that was our unspoken trust, and you broke that. You
came to me and let yourself into my bed, you never asked, you
never even considered my feelings. Yes, this is just sex, because
you never once stopped to think I might not have wanted to
proceed, despite how my body was responding to you." Tears
fell freely down her face, and suddenly she didn't care anymore,
"I want you, I've never denied that, I've just never been
able to act on it. I've never hidden my feelings, not from you,
I've just never done anything about them. You forced the issue
Chakotay, you started this, you made me want something I hadn't
had in years, now you ridicule me because I didn't ask you to
stop... you really are a bastard, and not at all the man I
thought you were." She turned away from him and wrapped her
arms around herself, silently crying, "Just leave... and let
it go.."
He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration.
"Shit!" He stepped forward, unwilling and afraid
to walk away. His arms came around her and he buried his
face in the curve of her shoulder. She struggled at first,
and then the tears came. Anger, fear, frustration,
sorrow. She sagged back into him and let him hold her, all
doubts seeming suddenly not to matter. Why was she fighting
anyway? She had forgotten somewhere. Ah yes, pride.
What the hell was that anyway? He dropped with her, guiding
them both onto the bed and holding her curled into his
arms. He waited for the storm to pass and then waited still
to see if she said anything, waiting as he had always waited and
yet not waited long enough.
After
seemingly an hour of silence, he spoke, a hushed whisper against
the back of her neck. "You want me to take all the
blame for this Kathryn? I can't. I can accept most of
it of course. I should have known. I pushed and
pushed too damn hard and instead of bending, you break in pieces
that have to be put back together again. All I'm asking is
that we find a compromise, something to hold us together.
We can't go back to the way we were before, but we need a clear
future, something to get us through this. You don't want me to
touch you again sexually? I'll find some damn way to live
with it, because if I can't have all of you, well.... I'll
have to take what I can. I know you feel for me though,
you've admitted it, so can't you see somewhere in there a way for
us to work through this? If not for us, then for the
friends we were before I screwed up?"
She took a deep, shuddering breath and let it out slowly,
allowing herself to relax more into his embrace, "The
problem Chakotay," she said in a tired voice, "isn't
your actions, but your expectations. You do this, and you expect
me to immediately fold to your whims, and you know I can't."
She let her head fall back to lean against his shoulder,
"But that doesn't stop you from doing what you feel you have
to do, and that's the biggest problem of all. You're ruled by
your emotions and I've spent half my life trying to control mine.
I don't act on them because it's too dangerous, and you act on
yours too often. And where has it gotten you? Us? Where has it
gotten us....here, that's where we are right now. And no,"
she sighed, "you're not the only one to blame. And no, we
can't go back to the way we were before, but we can't move on
until I know that you're never going to do this again."
"This? As in come in here and make love to you or this," He kissed the back of her neck and hugged her tighter, "Hold you when you need it, because frankly just being able to hold you, comfort you, is somehow better than the sex. Can you allow that Kathryn?"
"This
as in taking advantage of a situation, I need to know that the
next time you want to make a change in our relationship you'll
ask me first." She gazed back at him over her shoulder,
"I can't change what you've started Chakotay, no more than I
can take it away."
"I can try Kathryn. You are worth more to me than just
sex and I'm sorry I pushed. Where do we go from here?"
"You push because that's your way, and I fight until I break
because that's my way. We could no more change each other than we
could change ourselves. I don't know where we'll go, but it
doesn't really matter as long as we don't go back."
"But why Kathryn, why are you giving in now, you were so
ready to fight me tooth and nail earlier, why now."
She sighed, "Because no matter how hard I push you away,
you're never going to leave, and no matter how many times I hurt
you, you're always going to be there. I'm too tired to fight you
Chakotay, and I really don't want to. And no matter how many
times we fight, how many times we're driven apart we always end
up right where we started, together. And that's exactly what I've
been looking for all my life, someone willing to stick it out,
who isn't going to pack up and leave every time I become
difficult to maneuver. But it isn't just that you haven't had the
opportunity to leave, it's that I know you don't want to. You
could give up any day, at any time, and you don't. I don't like
to be pushed, I don't like to be maneuvered, and I'm mad as hell
that you tried. And if you think I'm letting you off the hook
you're wrong. But I could sit here and argue with you until we're
both blue in the face, and it isn't
going to do a bit of difference. We'll just keep on arguing, and
keep on circling around each other, and it'll never end until one
of us gives in. So that's what I'm doing Chakotay, I'm giving in,
because I'm tired of the fighting, I'm tired of the maneuvering,
and I'm tired of the pushing. It takes up too much time, too much
energy, and quite frankly it's not what I wanted from us in the
first place.
"Then what Kathryn, what do you want from us?"
"I just want you, this, us, here," she gestured around
the bedroom, "together like this. That's what I want, that's
all I've ever wanted, but it's not easy, it's never going to be,
and I don't know if I have the energy to keep it going."
"Kathryn..."
"No... Chakotay... don't fight with me now. I just need you
to realize that I can only give so much of myself at a
time."
"All I ever asked was that you try. If you can promise
me that, then we have a chance. That's all I need, all we
need."
"To try..."
"Yes to try. No more shields at full, no more
perimeters, no more fighting about who is right and who is wrong,
just us, trying to have a future together."
"And the ship? The crew? The issues that always
come back and slap us in the face?"
"I think this will make us stronger. It was no less
hard to fight before. We care too much Kathryn, about each other
and this ship. Your opinion matters as much to me as mine
to you. Here, in these rooms we are just a man and a woman.
And when reality intrudes we become once more the captain and the
commander, and maybe, just maybe a little of the love and faith
we have in each other will carry over and help to guide us. This
will never be a detriment Kathryn, never, and I have to believe
this is right for both of us, or I never would have made that
first move.
She turned then, and he let her. Her eyes met his and she
read all the love and sincerity there, and something in her broke
free, releasing a bit of the fear, allowing it to flitter away.
She smiled, a half smile that didn't quite meet her eyes.
I'm glad you moved. I may not agree with the timing or the
way you did it, but I'm glad you moved. I don't think I
would ever have had the courage if you hadn't. She looked down,
and taking in both their states of undress, her smile turned a
little crooked, "And I guess it's a little late for me to
ask if we can take things slowly."
His hands stroked her back and brushed tear dampened hair away
from her face, "If that's how you want to do it, then that's
the way it will be."
"No," she held a finger to his lips, silencing him,
"no moving back, we're here now, let's just go
forward."
He grinned, nudging his knee between her thighs, "Oh I
don't think forward is going to be a problem at all."
"Oh no you don't," she wiggled away from him, "I'm
still mad as hell at you for this little stunt," she stood
and pointed toward the outer room, "You can either sleep on
the sofa or go back to your own cabin, but no, and I repeat NO
more site to site transporting." She dodged his hands when
he once more made a grab at her, "I'm serious Chakotay, you
are not getting back into this bed tonight.
He stood slowly and stepped back. "Okay okay, no
bed." He gave her a wicked grin and grabbed her close,
kissing her soundly and backing her into the wall.
"Care to join me on the sofa?"
She laughed, "You'll never give up will you." She shook
her head, "Alright, you can stay, under one condition. If
you wake me up making love to me, there better damned well be no
teasing involved." She slid her arms around his waist,
"I'm serious Chakotay, if you stay, I just want you to hold
me, I want to go to sleep in your arms and wake up there."
He hugged her tight and lifted her of her feet and set her in the
middle of the bed coming down beside her and arranging them into
their earlier spoon position. As he curled around her once
more, he drew the covers over them and kissed her forehead.
"There is nothing I want more my love. Nothing at
all."
End...