Words of Wisdom and Horror
by Kadith and Cat
Rated NC-17

Standard Disclaimer Applies.

Chakotay placed his drink back on the table and focused in on Harry. "I'm warning you Harry, the strong silent women are deadly. I've been married to Kathryn for 3 years now, and for one week out of the month that woman makes me have nightmares. It is not pretty."

Harry gulped at the serious expression on Chakotay's face. He glanced over at Tom and actually blanched as Tom nodded in agreement.

"I don't know about you Commander, but B'Elanna takes me on a sexual marathon for two to three days after. I almost want to request extra duty shifts during that time, just to keep out of sickbay."

"I know what you mean. There are invariably bruises, and I can barely walkthe next day." He leaned over the table and looked squarely at the youngerman, "Why do you think I always take at least one day off during the lastweek of the month. Kathryn finally feels rejuvenated and always pulls twoshifts, so I stay in and refuse to move." He shook his head, "I'm tellingyou Harry, Doc has a med-kit just for this kind of thing, he'll put onetogether for you, just tell him I sent you."

Harry gulped, "You're exaggerating, right? I mean everyone knows you do acleansing quest once a month."

Chakotay threw his hands up, "Why do you think I'm cleansing! And its notreally a quest, its more like need! It's completely clinical and the onlyvisions I see are nightmares of Kathryn chasing me around with a spoonthreatening to relieve me of my manhood!"

Tom nodded, "B'Elanna chases me with a bat'leth, once she even tried to usea laser spanner to cut off what she referred to as the evil of all humanity."

"Yeah, but Seven isn't like that, " Harry threw back another drink and triedto shake off the worry settling in his belly, "she's different, she's Borg."

"Correction," Chakotay started.

"She was Borg," Tom continued, "now she’s 100% all woman, and what's worse,she's been taking humanity lessons from the Captain all these years. It'sgoing to be brutal, take our word for it."

"Don't forget Tom, B'Elanna started taking an interest in her about a year ago. Those three spend at least three days a month on the Holodeck doing the Girl's Night Out thingie." Chakotay turned to Harry with a sigh. "Remember, they are planning Seven's bachelorette party too. You are definitely in for it my young friend."

Harry's face had gone deathly pale and he tried to swallow past the lump in his throat. "You guys are pulling my leg. No woman can be that bad. I was engaged once before and Libby never showed a dark side. We even lived together for a while. She'd get a little cranky, but...."

"Don't let them fool you Harry. They take drugs to hide the demonic possession until the male is in their clasp, them, swoosh, it's off with their heads, and I ain't taking about the upper ones either."

Tom took another swallow of his beer and let out a rousing "Here here!"

Chakotay cocked his head a little and continued, "Unless of course they area little...up, then spirits help you, because you really are a dead manthen. Heavens forbid you should be in the mood while they are on therampage. Let me tell you, Kathryn taught me new meaning to the term blueballs, and it has nothing to do with frustration!"

Harry sank down in his chair, "Oh god..."

Tom went on, "I stay away, I learned my lesson once, the rest of the time Irequest permission to take the 'Flyer on an extended maintenance flight."

"And spirits willing, I go with him!" Chakotay reached for another beer,"Harry, I'm telling you, before you get in over your head, you have got tolook up the manual."

"The manual?" He squeaked.

"The manual," Tom and Chakotay said in unison. "It's the be all, end allguide to the various moods of the Queen Bitch and how to avoid beingbeheaded when she comes for a visit."

"They actually have an instruction manual for this sort of thing?" Harry stood, panic flashing in his eyes. "I've got to go. Maybe I don't want to get married after all. Do you think Seven will be too upset if I cancel on her?"

"Smart man, get out while you can." Tom raised his glass in a toast.

Chakotay just shook his head. "Too late, my friend. You may not have said the vows, but you made the promise. Not only would Seven rearrange your balls for you, but you can almost count on being forced to clean out the plasma manifolds with a toothbrush."

"Oh shit..."

"Here here. A toast, to Harry who done signed his death warrant." Tom stood to clap the younger man on the back. "Don't worry too much Harry, there is always room in the Delta Flyer for one more."

"Yep," Chakotay followed suit, "if all fails, we can strap Tom to the hullturn the flyer around and head back to Borg space where it's safer."

"Anywhere is safer than this ship when its women are PMS'ing, let me tellyou, Neelix learned the hard way. And he was never the same!"

Harry froze on his way to the door, "Neelix? But I thought it was a stroke?"

Chakotay shook his head, "Nope, you think standing between Kathryn and hercoffee on a normal day is dangerous, try standing between her and chocolateduring the Visit. Neelix did it, and paid the ultimate price."

Tom nodded, "Poor guy, I actually feel sorry for him, last week he wasfixing meat balls and started crying like a baby."

Chakotay nodded, "I know, it took me hours to get him calmed down. He keptgoing on and on about the pain and how he promised never to do it again."

Harry's face was dead white, "Um, Seven is waiting on me, I'm really goingnow." He turned around and raced out of the room all but sprinting.

When the doors shut behind him Chakotay lifted his beer, "Think we scaredthe hell out of him?"

Tom nodded, "Are you kidding, did you see the streaks he left behind."

Chakotay laughed, "He's young, but I think he can handle it, marriage is abitch named Kathryn and god but she's ruthless."

Tom laughed. "You wouldn't have it any other way, and neither would I. Whose next on the list now that we've scared the hell out of Harry?"

Chakotay stood and stretched. As Tom stood beside him, he clapped him on the back. Well, tomorrow night we are hosting a private congratulations round for Ayala. He and Jenny Delaney just announced that they were having a baby. I can hardly wait to fill him in on the trails of being married to a pregnant woman. Care to join me?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world. But one thing bothers me Chakotay. If pregnant women are hell, why do you have two kids and one on the way?"

Chakotay grinned and waggled his brows, "Because for each little piece ofhell that woman puts me through, she spends weeks making up for it. And youhave no idea how creative she can be when she *really* puts her mind to it."

The two men headed for the door and Tom chuckled, "We forgot to tell Harryabout the making up part."

Chakotay grinned, "He has to find that one out for himself, it's his littlereward for being such an understanding guy the rest of the time. He'll feelunique with his little piece of paradise and thank us later."

Tom laughed, "Or kill us for letting him strapped into it."

"That's part of the choices you make. Besides, we warned him. The rest is up to him."

Tom chuckled. As they walked out of the mess hall , he caught Chakotay's arm. "You're ruthless you know that."

"Yup, I learned from the master. Speaking of which, she was particularlygrumpy today and was mumbling something about a back rub. And just in caseI took a day off tomorrow to recuperate."

"Damn it," Tom grumbled and headed toward his own quarters, "well give thecaptain, and her favorite spoon, my regards will ya!"

Chakotay chuckled, "Like hell, if I mention you I really will catch it!Night Tom." He went on his way, pausing only for a quick stop in sickbay tograb some items from the Doctor. The last incident with his grumpy,pregnant, ruthless, beautiful wife had left his med-kit a little low onresources. And he sure as hell was not going to go into a possible night oftorture without the right stuff on standby.

Whistling a happy and hopeful tune, Chakotay headed back to his quarters. Kathryn might be a bitch when she was PMS’ing, but when she was pregnant, she was virtual sex kitten. Yes sir, there were benefits to keeping her pregnant.

When he walked into their quarters he didn't get far before he was grabbedfrom behind, turned around and thrown against the wall. She kissed him hard,bruising both their lips as she drove her tongue wildly into his mouth. Hedropped the new med-kit he was carrying and drove his hands into her hair, inan instant their places were reversed and she was against the wall.

She pushed him backwards with a hard shove and reached for the seam of hisuniform jacket. With a very precise and very hard jerk she yanked it apartand pushed it from his shoulders. Next she ripped his shirt from hispants and pulled it over his head, then she was pulling on him again, hermouth took aim and found its target. She closed her teeth around one of hisnipples and bit down, hard enough to make him wince, them moan when sheeased the pain with her tongue.

She looked up at him with eyes dark with longing and beckoned him to dosomething about it, hell she dared him. He reached for her, slid one armaround her waist and lifted her, then pressed her against the wallagain--bracing her. He held her in place then yanked up the hem of the thinnight gown she was wearing. It was black, and virtually transparent, "Whereare the kids?" He growled as he took possession of her neck, nipping andlicking his way upward to her mouth were he pulled on her lips with histeeth.

She arched provocatively against him, "Slumber party at the Paris's."

He silently thanked the spirits that B'Elanna and Kathryn had grown socomfortable and close to each other then drove two fingers deep inside her.She was ready for him, and arched and moaned in delight. Her nails bit intohis shoulders, drawing blood.

Chakotay growled against her mouth as he maneuvered the zipper on his trousers. Within seconds, he was hot and hard against her. With one deft move, he was inside her, his lower body pinning her to the wall.

Kathryn moaned and arched against him, wrapping her legs around his waist. Leaning in, she bit his ear. "God I love it like this. There is nothing like a strong male you love, pinning you to the wall and making you crazy with his body."

He moved deep and hard inside of her, "Gods," he spoke between thrusts, "Ipromise, after this kid gets here I'll pin you down and show you what crazyreally is."

She lowered her head and sank her teeth into his shoulder, "Promises,promises," she cried out when he lowered his hand between their bodies andlocated her sensitive nub, he drove her fast and furious to her firstorgasm. She screamed loudly and threw her head back in abandonment, thesecond followed just as quickly, his hand and body working in tandem."Oh--god--yes!"

Chakotay groan as wave after wave of pleasure pulsed through him. Just as the pressure of his orgasm began to rise, an annoying voice came over the comm system. 

"Paris to Commander Chakotay"

Chakotay howled in frustration. Stopping his body movement, he leaned against Kathryn and tried to regulate his breathing. He shifted closer to Kathryn, immobilizing her against the wall in an effort to stop her distracting little movements. He could do nothing about the soft gasps escaping her lips as she panted her frustration.

"This better be damned important Tom."

A soft chuckle could be heard over the comm system. "Well, the kids just wanted to say goodnight. Who am I to deny them a chat with their parents?" Another chuckle floated through the system.

Kathryn groaned against Chakotay's neck and bit lightly. "I swear I'm going to transport him into space without a suit."

Chakotay bit back a reply as a soft sleepy voice whispered "Nite Daddy!"

His hand slid down Kathryn's thigh and teased lightly at the place where they were joined. "Goodnight little princess. I love you."

"Luff you too, Daddy."

"Oh, Kadi, you and Kat be sure and snuggle in with Aunt B'Elanna and Uncle Tom tonight. They need someone to cuddle with."

A chorus of "Kay" and "Nite" followed his remark as twins agreed to his comment.

Tom could be heard groaning in the background.

As the comlink cut off, Chakotay leaned down once more. "Where were we?" he asked as his mouth closed over hers.

She grinned and kissed him back, thoroughly tasting his mouth as she clenchedand unclenched the muscles surrounding his erection. "Have I told yourecently how brilliant you are?"

"Yes, but feel free to beam Tom into space anyway." He started moving insideher again, slowly rebuilding the wild pace they'd been encompassed in beforethe interruption. He braced her with his arms and moved her toward thebedroom. He lowered her to the bed and pinned her arms over her head withone hand. With his other he resumed his caress of her already too sensitiveskin. She jerked and gasped in response, she moved against him, counterthrusting. She drove him to move faster, finally she clenched and held hermuscles.

Chakotay groaned loudly in response, his hand moved vigorously to drive herfast and hard into another orgasm. As she contracted around him he spilledhimself into her, each of them crying out with the force and pleasure of therelease.

He rested his forehead against hers and panted, "God I love it when you'repregnant."

Kathryn leaned forward and licked a small trickle of sweat from his cheek."Really? And why is that?"

"Despite the obvious fact that you are carrying my child and I love you,your sex drive is multiplied by ten. I much prefer the sexual marathon everyweek to once a month."

"Once a month?"

"Yep, right after the Queen Bitch leaves. Sometimes you almost kill me."

"Chakotay!"

"What? It's true. Not that I don't love making love to you the rest of thetime. But I must tell you My Love, there are definitely advantages to beingmarried to you."

"Nice recovery command boy."

"Boy?"

Kathryn's hands slid down to cup his rump. She leaned forward once more,this time to nibble on his ear. "What were you guys up to tonight?"

"Oh, nothing much. Just offering Harry some friendly marital advice."

Kathryn laughed, snuggling closer to his body. "That wouldn't be anythinglike the advice you gave Tom last year about new babies would it."

Chakotay gave her an innocent look. "Now Kathryn. Do you honestly think Iwould try to scare the kid this close to his wedding?"

She reached over and pinched his butt. "Like I don't know any better. Youknow Chakotay, before you get into trouble, maybe you better show me againhow much you like me pregnant."

He grinned at her response, and proceeded to do just that.

Fin~